Film

HOLLYWOOD - Actress Renee Zellweger was hospitalized Wednesday after an unknown assailant beat her severely about the face with The Ugly Stick. In an unprecedented move, Miss Zellweger plans to sue the makers of the device rather than the attacker. "This sort of thing is going to keep continuing as long as a product like 'The Ugly Stick' exists," explains Renee's lawyer, Harvey Krump. DeFeo Brothers, Inc., the creator of The Ugly Stick, maintains that it's for entertainment purposes only and should never be used as a weapon.

Lothar here... I've been dying to see some footage of this film since I read the first draft last year, and now we have a full-fledged trailer! I really like where they're going with this. It's not just a Monty Python rip-off. The trailer is courtesy of CollegeHumor.com. Enjoy!

Lothar here... thought this was too good to be true, but the trailer is already online over at iFilms. I love that Marty's not afraid to delve into unmarked territory with the Muppets. But I'm worried that I saw no sign of Miss Piggy in the trailer. I know her salary demands are usually high, but I figure to work with a legend like Scorsese, she'd lower her asking price a little.

HOLLYWOOD - Earlier this year, when actor Danny Glover traveled to Caracas to meet with Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez, things couldn't have gone smoother. The two hit it off so well that Glover brought Chavez to his hometown of Harlem, to promote an offer to sell heating oil to low income Americans at discount prices. However, it appears that the two comrades are on the outs, ever since Glover made a return trip to the land of poppy, and discovered his nephew playing with a black crayon adorned with the racial slur "Negro".

Lothar here, with exciting news about the new Knight Rider movie. You might be wondering why I used a picture of "The Hoff" for this article when it's been rumored that he won't be in the movie. Well, my sources tell me that he's DEFINITELY IN the movie, but no word yet on whether or not he's playing Michael Knight.

HOLLYWOOD - In 2004, Hilton fortune heiress Paris Hilton successfully trademarked her name, and the saying "That's Hott"; planning to adorn T-shirts and other items with the newly copyrighted phrases. However, one wonders what she was thinking when, at the same time, she also decided to copyright her vagina. Regardless of the initial intent, the strategy appears to have backfired with a Federal Judge's ruling yesterday that Ms. Hilton's poke hole is now public domain.

Lothar here... don't know how I feel about this news. I mean... I think "The Rock" is a good choice to play "The Paddle", but "The Ball" is the more difficult role to pull off. It's not easy to make viewers believe in a square ball. Is Jack Black really the right choice? We'll have to wait and see. Of course, this info is only a rumor. Here's what our spy uncovered:

HOLLYWOOD - In January of 1997, George Lucas released a controversial Special Edition of his sci-fi masterpiece, Star Wars, to the American movie-going public. Almost 10 years later, geeks everywhere, in their parent's basements, still debate whether or not Lucas went too far with his constant tinkering. Today there's a new debate raging in America over the recent purchase of Abraham Zapruder's historical footage of the Kennedy Assassination, by none other than Mr. Lucas himself. Is the public ready for "Zapruder: The Special Edition?"

Lothar here, with a pretty substantial rumor submitted by "Milky Joe". Some portions have been edited to protect the source's identity.

I came across an article that might interest you. I work for {deleted} and often have to {deleted}. When I got up off my knees, I happened to glance on her desk and saw a story due to be published tomorrow. Thought I'd give you the scoop first. Great news if you ask me. If you use this, just call me Milky Joe.

HOLLYWOOD - Amid rumors of engagements, break-ups, and marriage, it looks like Hollywood's "it" couple are actually brother and sister. That's right. Insiders say that Vince, Jen, and Vince's Dad were spirited away over the weekend to Hawaii, where the adoption papers were drawn up, legally making Jennifer Vince's sister.