HOLLYWOOD - Actress Renee Zellweger was hospitalized Wednesday after an unknown assailant beat her severely about the face with The Ugly Stick. In an unprecedented move, Miss Zellweger plans to sue the makers of the device rather than the attacker. "This sort of thing is going to keep continuing as long as a product like 'The Ugly Stick' exists," explains Renee's lawyer, Harvey Krump. DeFeo Brothers, Inc., the creator of The Ugly Stick, maintains that it's for entertainment purposes only and should never be used as a weapon.
Although this is the first lawsuit filed against its creators, The Ugly Stick has been involved in litigation before. Many times the cases involve celebrities, the most famous being "Carrot Top Vs. Chuckles Comedy Club."
A motive has not yet been established for the assault, but witnesses report the perpetrator may have been demanding 2 hours of his life back and a refund for "Nurse Betty." Cosmetic surgeons at Mt. Sinai hospital say Miss Zellweger is in serious but stable condition. "She looks worse than she did when she played Bridget Jones," reports a visibly shaken friend to the actress.
Police say it could have been a lot worse. "This was nowhere near as bad as the Ugly Stick beating Britney Spears took a few years back, which effectively forced her into retirement."
Officials claim that celebrity attacks involving The Ugly Stick are rapidly increasing. "If you count both of Oprah's attacks, and the recent Australian attack on Mel Gibson with The Ugly Boomerang, that makes 12 this year alone!", claims one Hollywood insider.
So far, sales of The Ugly Stick haven't been affected by the negative publicity. In fact, The Ugly Stick still continues to outsell both of the company's next best sellers, the Gaydar and The Bullshit Detector, combined.
Some feel "The Stick" is getting a bad rap. Actress Tara Reid recently filed a police report claiming to have been struck repeatedly by it, but detectives soon determined that The Ugly Stick played no role in her grotesque appearance.
No word on whether or not the pending lawsuit will jeopardize DeFeo Brothers' latest product, a joint venture with the Ford Motor Company called The Pussy Wagon.
