TENNESSEE - Former Vice President Al Gore has contributed much to the world. His guilt over inventing the internal combustion engine motivated him to write, direct and star in "An Inconvenient Truth", a documentary warning about the dangers of global warming. But, as every school kid knows, his greatest accomplishment was when he created the Internet. But "those who giveth may taketh away," and Al Gore is ready to taketh the World Wide Web.
"I'm pouring money into this thing like it's nobody's business," claims Gore, "and I've yet to see dime one. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy watching videos of kittens playing the piano and skateboarders getting their nuts crushed as much as the next guy, but there are limits to my generosity."
Experts doubt he actually has the ability to turn off the Web, but Gore maintains his claim. "I have a big red button in my study that says otherwise." Either way, the world seems to be taking the threat seriously, including Sandra McCarthy of Virgin Records. "This is serious... if kids can't illegally download songs from the Internet, where do you think they're going to steal them from?" Tower Records and Compact Disc World stores are already boarding up their doors and windows in preparation for the inevitable backlash.
With the Internet's approaching demise, other industries are finding it difficult to keep up with the sudden surge in demand for their services. For example, Playboy, Penthouse and Hustler subscriptions have tripled since the announcement. In addition, pedophile groups are planning a protest rally in the nation's capital this weekend.
Reactions aren't all negative, however. Frankly, we're thrilled by the news," claims Brian Nichols, President of encyclopedia maker Funk and Wagnalls. "Thanks to the Internet, we haven't sold a set of encyclopedias since the summer of '92, but now we're actually thinking about firing up the presses again. And we're toying with the idea of hiring an army of young boys to deliver the books door to door, just like in the old days."
Perhaps the pedophiles don't have anything to worry about after all.
